Alright?

Is everything alright with me ? I am ignoring fighting basic bitches. They are trying to be rude and everything. I am totally ignoring them. Didn't feel the heated up what the fuck, how dare she attitude at all. Mmmm I am surprised. More like shocked. 

 I feel upbeat sometimes and downlow sometimes. My upbeat says i can make i just need to stick with it. I don't what the it is. No clue as to what I am gonna make it. My downlow wants me to go home, crawl in a bed and be done. Pushing down the downlow and pulling up my upbeat sometimes is a big feat.

You don't see it, but I was there for it and I know it's difficult. How many times will I be doing this.

I am planning a new venture. I am not a venture kind of person. I am not a career person, I am a mom. The kind that lugs kids to and fro and feeds them, organizes play dates and birthday parties and is aware of the sacred very tight parent circle at school PTA 

and has Friendships in there. And why I am thinking of a new venture is beyond me. But here I am.

MF

 Apparently at school pick up today (husband went for pick up ) my 6th grader was mouthing off and crying when her father told her hair was all messed up. Alright he doesn't have a smooth way of saying things like I do, but that's no reason for her to go off like that. So he calmed her down and took her for a treat. WTF.

Calming her down is ok, but rewarding that behaviour with a treat is obnoxious. Now this won't happen with me, but if when she goes off like that with me, I calm her down, make my point and done. I am so not treating her infact depending upon the severity I might be grounding her.

For this reason my girl has started the habit of saying that her father is awesome and stuff.

Now last weekend hw actually has the nerve to ask her who creates most of the fight at home and she points to me. All the treats he is buying her are working. 

And all this in the middle of looking for a marriage counsellor. 🤦

Relativity.

 If people harassing you yo get married is your biggest problem in life, know this, you have not seen any real problems on life so far. Having your child after 5 years only to be told consider it a miracle if she survives is a problem. Watching your child suffer or a lover one suffer is a problem. A lady was hospitalized and her husband was goinf to the blood bank with their 2 year old and both passed away in an accident now that's suffering. Not people asking you to get married. Relativity is what makes life better. 

Homesick

 Feeling homesick but not to the home that I go back now. The one that I am used to being in. I want to sit in my grandmother's house with both my aunt's (chithis) and grandma and listen to them.talk about everything especially sharing their teaching experience, with grandpa sitting in the next room quietly listening to everything they say. All of them grand ma, grandpa, both aunts mom everyone has worked as a teacher. Now I want to share my teaching experience and say how things have changed and how much is relatable. Everyone in their back then age and just me at this age. I would like for my girls and my cousin's girl to join in too. These sessions meant the world to me back then. Also I want to be able to walk with my grandpa to the garden and settle down in a small mound of sand and watch him do the gardening while explaining every single thing to me, me listening just because and in the end of these sessions he usually cuts a tender coconut and gives me the water. This stuff can stain your clothes and I had perfected the way to drink these without spill directly from the coconut without a straw. I want to be able to be there. I want to hold my grandpa's hands again when he was sick. Back then while I was desperate to help him I didn't know how, I know a few things now. Grinding the batter for idli in a mechanical stone grinder for my grandma. I never liked doing it but didn't want my grandma to do it either, so I always did it whenever I saw this had to be done. My grandma always say near me and told me stories of the past, the cotton picking and the cane sugar cubes making in my grandfather's family's fields or something from her childhood hostel days. It was all fun. A day like that will be nice. A day spent in that house, grandma's delicious food, grandpa's pampering, chithi's gossips and love snacks often times fish fry, the happy days. One such day will be great..I know it's not happening. I miss Home.