My kids.

 Exactly like all mothers all over the world I too want exactly all the best things for my kids. I want them to be happy, confident girls, with no fear to take on anything, not self doubting, not even for a minute. But that's not gonna be 100 percent. There will be good days and bad days. My kids will feel down, so low, I just want them to feel it, get over it and jump and bounce up. I want to teach that the most. My kids are amazing.. I hope they have a great health both mental and physical,  an amazing job, loving spouse,great house lovely kids, loads of money and have a ton of very good friends. These are my prayers and deep felt wishes for my girls. I wish I could see them life a happy life the way they want. 

 My pcos is reading its ugly head again... Major hair loss and all the works.. Acne ? Not anymore but instead I am getting huge painful cysts in my face while PMS ing so hard..

Sick

 I am a sick. I got to speak to a doctor on phone. She is fully trying to convince me I am not sick. I know I am. I feel it. She thinks I am fine. I don't. Then why am I feeling like this. Let's see where it goes. I will keep updating this post. 

Not feeling up to it

 Suddenly am not feeling well. Physically. That along with how I have been feeling for the past 2 days emotionally is pushing me down. I have lost all will to go and live.. I love my kids don't want to leave them but I don't know for how long I can go on like this.

Dream empath

Cherry on top is that I am a dream empath. I am not a psychic or anything. Its not like I can ask something and get answers about it either, but somethings sometimes useful sometimes absolutely unnecessary stuff will appear in my dreams giving a clue if what is about to happen. All these dreams will be quite different from regular dreams. Sometimes when I am going through emotionally tough times I have had some dreams whixh clears confusions for me. Even this is rare. So now, I had a dream. Whatever confusion is going on in my mind I don't have to worry about it was the interpretation, I need to move forward and work towards my goals. 

Recently had a dream of a cousin calling me in my phone and me nit picking the cal because I am busy was the dream. Then again he calls later and I realise I didn't call him back ot text him that I was busy. I didn't pick the call next time either. This usually indicates the need for connection. Usually that cousin is not big on connections. I have stopped bugging people who are not interested as a policy. Something to with a new founded thing called self respect. Maybe i should text him and see but I don't want him to think I am desperate to get in touch or anything. Let's see.

One particular event forecasted by my dreams has not happened. Usually whatever dream is within 2 or 3 days it will be done. Only one exception so far and 4 different dreams denoting the same event has occurred in the past 6 to 8months and the event has not happened. Except this every single thing small ot big has happened. Not always pleasant ones, but yeah something. 

A recent major event occurred without any dream. How did that happen. 

CANT GO ON LIKE THIS

 I cannot go on like this. I have gone through a lot. Like a loooooot. I have suffered through other people's nastiness for a long time. I so far had a very busy life where I brush everything under the carpet and move on. Now it's all catching up to me really that carpet can handle only so much. I have been badly abused. When I ever brought it up, I have been told that I am digging up the past and fighting or that I only think about myself or the kids are what I should.be thinking about and it's no more about me and that I am selfish or that i have had it easy compared to some other daughter in laws. So I put that to rest and I carry on. Now I cannot. Its really catching up with me. I think I can be a better person if I could heal from the trauma of all that abuse. How do I go about it. I have no one whom I could discuss this with or anything. 

I want to go far away and live in peace but I want my kids to have a good life too. I don't know how many mothers out there put up with all that shit their in-laws are dishing out just for their kids. All these people will get paid back at payback time. I see them already reaping the benefits of their handiwork. But that's not what is going to heal me. It makes me feel slightly ever so slightly better but does not make me healed even one bit. How do you heal and how to go about it. Some days are better where I can still brush these things off, some are not that good, I feel miserable like all my dreams have been killed at a point called marriage and at all than these sharp tongue animals called in laws have done to me. 

My life

 My husband is normally a nice person, shares work everything, I get sick he will help out but if the sick day lasts more than a day he starts acting like a pest. He goes to the fridge and randomly checked find a long forgotten thing. With the huge fridges in USA there's easily something going on there maybe a loose tomato rotting away  or something. Today it was a strawberry pack I bought 3 days back. No, in his mind, strawberries cannot stay past 2 days even when I, the major consumer, am down with something. He uses that to yell at me and when I get super defensive he gets to the kids especially the first one, coz its easier to provoke her, she questions him back, she asked how is it possible to finish the whole pack by myself was todays logical question. He gets upset with her for talking back meanwhile the younger one who cribs to eat strawberries is downing a few. I can see her quietly popping them, making weird faces and trying to swallow. These things make me super mad at him. And then he can be at the opposite end of this spectrum half an hour later be all lovey dovey. Then when I need some help for something other than what he always helps around, because I am sick and tired, he brings his beast mode back on and yells at me. More than anything this could have a very negative impact on my kids life. But then he takes them on hikes, bike rides, walk, restaurant, shopping, malls and all kinds of fun. No he will absolutely not see a counselor with me. He has made that much very clear. In the name of making them better ( they attend 3 after school each) I feel.like he is harnessing them. But he wants then to be successful in life coz he doesn't want them to be dependent on any man. That's good, I like that. Currently am acting as a buffer, like he gets mad and I communicate to them carefully. But this is taking a toll on my mental health. Already my physical health is not that good. He grew up in a very toxic family environment where his father wanted/wants to control the entire family. He probably doesn't want to do that but he is already there. This isn't easy. I feel like he is making our lives harder than it should be. And this weekend he has invited a family of 4 adults 2 kids for lunch. Though I am a decent cook, I have no idea or the needed vessels or space to cook for 6 adults and 4 kids and how my body is going to handle that is beyond me. Cancelled them once before and they are still upset about it. For the exact same reason can't afford to cancel them again. 🤦🤦🤦

This weekend

 Not much to rant here.. We made biriyani and a feast yesterday, me and my husband. Lunch was pretty good but eating food makes me guilty cause my body doesn't need that but eating food in itself is satisfying thing. Not the hunger, not the taste its something beyond that. Its about being able to do something I like in which I have control maybe.. Am not entirely sure but there is something really satisfying there, its better than sex, its better than everything else. Oops yeah looks like I am addicted to food and that explains the extreme weight fluctuations. Ok now next couple of weeks its gonna be egg, oats etc,. Urrrgh I hate that but doable. Also I want to look fab for diwali in saree so let the starving start. Yes I hear you saying that's not how it works. But my body works like that 🤦 we went to farmers market and bought some fruits. I did not like that my husband fell for the 15 dollars for 10 pounds of fruit. He went ahead and bought that. Its too much for our family or our fridge. But all fruits were delicious. Nectarines, grapes, apples, apricots, strawberries. Its alright I guess. Now i have to clean the fridge and store everything. Fold clothes, dry some clothes fold some more put away everything. Shop a little bit. 

Vent

 If you are here and starting to read this, my apologies to you, am sorry this is not a blog actually just a place for me to vent, rant and cry. Posting carefully worded, coded tweets in twitter is not cutting it for me anymore. Before I start I have the need to introduce myself. I am a 37 year old woman. I live with husband and 2 kids. We live in California for now. Next year moving to Bangalore. I have a lot of problems with my inlaws from the time I got married and till now 16 yrs later.  My mother maybe suffering from some mental health issues. She is making me suffer too. She lies a lot, twists everything a lot and will go to any length to hurt me and her two sisters who are her only faMily left anymore. She says nasty stuff about the bunch of us. But for duty's sake i keep in touch with her and using that she makes sure my life is miserable. So if I say all this out loud in real life I will be trashed and told I am the problem but God knows and close family members know. 

Health wise am not as blessed as many, I have had 5 surgeries so far and a couple of chronic illnesses. i am hoping and praying that I am alive and be able to do things for my kids until they find their own way in this world. With these two major chronic illness, some days are more difficult than others. Luckily I have a husband who is ready to step in whenever I need him, without making me feel bad for it. And kids step up always when they think I need help. They are really sweet kids. I don't know how I got them but God sent them as a blessing in my sad life I guess. 

So today is extremely stressful because I happened to talk to my mom. She was super rude like always. I shared this with my aunt, she felt miserable because she is also my biological mom. She called herself an idiot for giving away her precious baby to her elder sister because she was not blessed with child. I don't know growing up and still sometimes I think my biological parents did not love me enough to stick with me. My aunt always argues that that's not the case and that she made a sacrifice for her sister. I dont know. My mom was not the best in my childhood, I have been made to feel miserable especially I have seen her lie to people rt in front of my eyes about how I do no work and am treated like a princess how mean and ungrateful I am. She used to hit not as a punishment, whenever she got angry over anything at all. She used to slap across my face and yell and then come up with a reason to justify when the neighbours ask. I remember someone stole the notebook and pencil box from my bag when I was 3 years old and in LKG, she made me kneel down for hours until I said sorry. I was not ready to, coz I did not steal, I lost. So when my knees pain and I shifted my legs or touched them she would slap me. When she went inside the house, our  neighbor came over and told me say you are sorry. I said I won't, she told me learn when to back off from your mom. At this point my mom came back out to check on me and with little cajoling from the neighbor I said I am sorry. The next day another neighbor came to the school with me and helped me look for the stuff I lost. She spoke to the teacher etc. This neighbor has looked out for me in so many ways in so many occasions. She knew me better. She had my back whenever she could. This is the earliest memory of my mom that I have. More to come as I am trying to write to relieve my stress. So a lot of stuff has to come out. 

I felt abandoned by both moms biological and adopted moms so I have always wanted to be a mom to 2 sweet little girls and not yell at them and be a good mother. Once I became a parent, I went to different parenting classes, learn a lot of tips and tricks and diligently put the effort to follow them. I later did Montessori teacher training and worked as a teacher for couple of years. I cant say my kids are the best in everything, I can't even say they are putting their best effort now but they both connect well with me. That's what I want. I talk to them about a lot of things. I am there for them. Being a good mom is of great importance to me as I know the pain the lack of that could cause. I rant.